Take my will, conform it to Yours

***Transferring old blog posts onto this site***

July 27, 2010

How do you know if the voice you’re hearing in your head is really God speaking?

I visited a Bible College yesterday. I had heard a bit about it and liked what I was hearing. I visited, expecting to really like it. I was right – it was EXACTLY what I’ve been looking for. Small and personal, with teachers who care more about your education, they really care about your life and they strive to build personal relationships with every student on campus. They’re more than just your teachers, they are your mentors. Besides that, they teach what I want to learn, share all my beliefs, and understand my passions. I couldn’t imagine anything better.

But is that what God wants for me? Am I supposed to move to a beautiful small town, where I will undoubtedly grow tremendously in my faith and learn everything I need to know to prepare me to be a missionary? Or does He want me to do the hard thing… going where I’m not comfortable, where I’ll have to rely on Him more, where I’ll have to work to get deep Biblical teachings for myself, and where I’ll have to work harder to build relationships with people? I am by nature very shy and reserved, I cannot even tell you how scared I am of leaving my home, my family, my friends, my first and only love. The thought of college terrifies me. It really does. I am so thankful I have a year left to enjoy everything one last time. And to discover where I’m really being called to. Help me, Lord!

Last night I went out with a group of friends to see a movie together. We’re all pretty close, we worked together in Mexico and are practically family now. Anyway, I just couldn’t focus on the movie for the entire 2 hours. I was overwhelmed with emotions about the future and all the changes that could, and probably will occur within the next year. To my embarressment and complete utter horror, I started crying and just couldn’t stop. I don’t want to move on. I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to say goodbye.

How do I know if the voice I’m hearing is really God speaking?

I feel like He’s asking me to do something. Something harder than I’ve ever had to do in my entire life. I honestly don’t believe I’m strong or secure enough. I feel like my whole world has been resting on this rock for so long, I’ve practically grown into it and become one with it. I don’t know if the rock is supposed to be there supporting me, or if it’s really holding me back from being where I should be. To remove myself from the rock would cause major cuts, bruises, and scars that would last a lifetime. It might even be comparable to loosing a limb. It’s been the best possible thing, and the worst possible thing to ever enter my life. It’s torn me down the most, but it’s also built me and formed me into a strong, fearless child of God. How do I know if it’s really what God wants for me?

Help me Father, make my desire Your desire, make my will Your will. Your will be done.